We are all creators; creators of the world we live in – the world that comprises of our house and our family.
When a man and a woman choose to marry, they create their world together, a new world, jointly as a family. In this sense, she, the wife, is the Ardhangini, the female half of the creator team. The man, the other half, the male half, is the Pati, the husband.
If the wife chooses to, she, the living embodiment of the revered Goddess Sri Janani, the mother of the universe, may beget children to populate that world which she made with her husband.
Then together, the husband and the wife, nurture their children, so as to enable the children, in their turn, to create their further new worlds and populate it and nurture it. And life goes on.
But this most extraordinary of creations, the children, cannot be created by women all alone. Same for men. It is only when they unite that they can create their children.
It must be acceded that in all this process of creating and nurturing the children, the wife has a greater role and hence, is the major contributor for building and nurturing a family. For she has taken a series of risks, almost one on top of the other, when it comes to bearing children. And this series of risks starts even before the child is born, for she has taken great risks, so that the child can come into this world. The woman has already undergone a huge health risk during her pregnancy. Sometimes, this health risk can translate into a mortality risk as well. Also, every time a woman delivers a child, by whatever mode, through normal delivery or c-section, she is reborn – for there is an associated mortality risk at this stage too, of a higher degree. While modern medicine has limited the health risks and maternal mortality risk to a great extent, it is an ever present reality that has to be dealt with every time a woman conceives or delivers her baby, and can never be done away with in its entirety. And the mother, who has overcome death at delivery, starts nurturing the newborn at once, in that half alive state. She is suckling that newborn immediately. And the mother, who has overcome death at delivery may have to live with long term health problems such as incontinence while sneezing or difficulty with sitting and standing, general poor health etc. And the mother, who has overcome death at delivery now faces financial insecurity, unable to meet basic material needs of her life by herself, even at the most minimum level. For she, the Janani, becomes the primary care giver and nurturer of the next generation. Just like that Goddess, she too looks after the children with that same tender and loving care for as long as they require, maybe about 15 years for each child. We all know human babies take about 15yrs or so to become completely independent. They will need some level of care till then. And having devoted this much time, especially the prime time of their life to this activity, many women become incapable of becoming totally financially independent after their children are grown up. So this financial dependency can continue lifelong.
Can any man’s contribution match this, however much it may be financially or otherwise, this level of contribution towards furthering two family lines, the natal and the matrimonial family lines, and thereby ensuring survival of mankind itself?
Yet in real life, the wife, the major contributor, has never been accorded the Devi status, with the respect that a Devi deserves. The Devi is worshipped with great fervor in temples in her varied forms as the Jagat Janani, Durga, Kali, Parvati, Vaishno Devi etc; in the 51 Shakti peethas; and in ceremonies and rituals like those during the Navratras, that occur every six months, in her 9 forms.
Most remarkable are the prayers during the Kumari Puja ceremony, where prayers are offered to young girls who are regarded as the living representations of the Devi, the Goddess. More popular in North India, where she is referred to as a Kanchak, she is a young girl who has not yet attained puberty. In a special function that is held to honour this young living Devi, at the end of every Navratra, the nine-day Equinox festival, that is periodically every six months, young girls are welcomed by the household that organizes the ceremony, in a traditional manner by washing her feet, then fed well and given gifts. The ceremony ends with seeking blessings of every Kanchak, the young living Devi, by bowing down at her feet. Every member of the household, and others too whoever is present, where this ceremony is conducted, even elderly men, will seek the blessings of every Kanchak, the young living Devi, who has visited the house.
But the plight of the real life Devi when she grows up is pathetic. It is indeed something to ponder on – as a child, before attaining puberty, the girl child is worthy of respect and worship but as a grown woman, when she marries, she is a complete subordinate to the husband. What a dramatic fall in status!!!! There is no rationale to justify this drastic downward change in the status of the girl as she grows in to adulthood. While the minor contributor, the husband, in his adulthood, as we all know, has attained the status of a Parameshwara, with all its attached honour and trappings as soon as he steps into matrimony!!!!
Now who should support the wife, in her financially vulnerable state, but the husband? For he is the direct beneficiary of this person, the wife, who has taken the initiative and the effort to become a mother and has accepted motherhood with all its associated risks. And apparently, the husband is supporting the wife by providing his wife with all such necessities to live her life – that is making provision her for food, clothing, residence, and medical treatment. Since ancient times, every woman who is married is being provided with these necessities, maintenance as it is legally called, by the husband. Depending on the husband’s affordability and intention, there can be optional add-ons such as a luxurious lifestyle, lots of jewellery, expensive foreign trips etc.
But if, in return for providing these necessities to her, the wife is expected to serve her husband, is this “support” for the wife or the husband? For this is what every Hindu wife is taught – she should regard the husband, the Pati, as the Parameshwara, the Lord. It is her duty to sincerely serve the husband in every possible manner for she is his Ardhangini. What he may not be able do, she has pitch in and do so that life can go on comfortably. For whom, one may ask? Service to her husband is the be all and end all of her existence. She needs to do nothing else in life but serve her husband, even if he is indifferent, abusive, or he be a criminal, womanizer, alcoholic or severely impaired etc. If she has done just that and only that, the service to her husband, and nothing else in her life, she has done her “Dharma”. She need not even bow before any other God, for she has her husband, her personal God, her Pati Parameshwara, instead, before whom she must bow anyway.
Regrettably, on an examination of the rules that govern the life of a woman, what becomes apparent is that the financial vulnerability of a wife, on taking up responsibilities of the matrimonial home and more so on choosing to become a mother, has been severely exploited. As per the Hindu code, widely regarded as being based on Manu Smriti, a text on Hindu jurisprudence by Rishi Manu, a woman has to be taken “care” of by the men in her life, for she will require care all through her life, as she is not capable of taking care of herself at any point of time in her life. She needs to be provided with all the material necessities of life, viz food, clothing, residence, education and medical treatment by the men in her life. These men will divide this responsibility and take turns to take care of her so that only one man needs to takes up the responsibility of her care at a time. This “ONE MAN” who takes care of her is a different man at various stages of her life. As a child, she is taken care of by her father, like any other child. When she is married, it is the husband’s responsibility to take care of her. When she old or if the husband is no more, it is the son’s responsibility to take care of her. And because everything she needs is to be provided by that “ONE MAN”, any financial asset that is notionally considered hers, in hands of her current caretaker also needs to be handed over to that “ONE MAN” who is responsible for taking care of her when the responsibility of her care is handed over, thus providing for the basis of a vice-like grip on her financials in that hands of that “ONE MAN”.
And we all know, if you take over the finances of an entity, you can take over the entity. You can control that entity. This is true of all power-based dynamics. For instance, this is how East India Company took over an entire nation, through the trade route, first capturing the finances of the nation and then the nation itself. In a similar fashion, the woman too has been subjugated by keeping her distant from her financial resources and curtailing her ability to exercise meaningful control over them.
Most prominent is her subjugation under that man, her husband, with whom she spends the productive part of her life. This man, who should have supported her unconditionally for her priceless contribution in his life, including furthering his family line, has instead converted her into his vassal, under the guise of caring for her. With that vice-grip on her finances, he now has a God-like power on her, the power over her life and death, and has declared himself as her God, her Parameshwara!!!! Subjugated thus, the married woman has no choice but to quietly comply with her ordained “Dharma”, and serve her Pati Parameshwara without a murmur, without a question, with very little room to even protest mildly. Subjugated thus, she is in reality no more his Ardhangini, no more his equal.
And the effects of the subjugation of that period of her life, her life with her husband, haunts her, her entire life, making it a survival issue at every point of time in her life, from the time she is conceived.
To an extent, the revered Sage Manu was correct. During any point of time in their lives, there is a possibility that women may not be able to look after themselves. Women do need the support they get from men in their lives. As a child, she too needs the same care that her brother(s) require from their father. But the support, especially after marriage, during the productive phase of her life, from her husband, is also required. She needs this support not because she lacks the potential to look after herself. But it is required because she needs to be released from the pressures of gathering the resources required to live her life, by herself, so that she can devote the best time of her life and put in her best efforts and concentrate on the immense responsibilities that she takes up in her adult life, especially towards the next generation. Hence it is clear that the importance of women’s role has been clearly understood by the society. And the consequences of taking up those responsibilities too were understood. That is, by the time the children are grown, the possibility that women may lose the capacity to earn for themselves cannot be overlooked. So they will require support during that phase of their life too, once child rearing is over. Finally, as an elder, she is like any other senior or super senior citizen and will need that same care from her son which her husband too will need.
But perhaps, the subversion of these rules was not envisaged by the sage, a subversion that enslaved her for life, under her husband and belittled her contribution. Perhaps, he did not forsee that other options in life would become unavailable to her, options other than domestic affairs and children only, options required for a fulfilling life. Traditionally, all other human feelings and aspirations are not encouraged in a woman except “motherhood” and “motherliness”. Perhaps he did not realise the accompanying insecurity that women would be plunged into, in this system. If not for their own lives, at least for the reason that they have a greater commitment towards the next generation, it is crucial that women be secured. Nor were defaults in providing the maintenance factored in.
It must also be pointed out that whatever support she gets from her husband will barely fund the Oppurtunity Loss that she will endure for having taken up those responsibilities and the consequences of taking up those responsibilites.
It is for us to think out a better system, from now on at least. A system that not only secures and compensates women substantially for her contributions but also allows her to look at life beyond this enslavement.
It is our endeavor to ensure that the living Devi gets her due and the respect that she deserves for her contribution, all through her life. That she does not live out the productive period of her adult life as her husband’s subordinate but ensure that she stands beside her husband, as at least his equal, his true Ardhangini, in spite of being the major contributor.
Live and Let live